The Journey of Life

(Painting By Jeff Rowland)

Part 1

I reached the station just in time… moving in ahead and away from the crowd, as I scurried towards my cart.

I quickly grabbed the handle and entered the train. The attendant guided me towards my seat as the driver gave the last call before departure.

My heart sank as the train started moving; the air was filled with voices of joy, sadness, farewell and excitement. But all I could hear was the riotous sound of the horn, the clank of the wheels on the track and a distant whistle announcing that our journey had finally began.

I was travelling to the City of Palaces &  Nawabs , my sweet hometown where I had begun my own journey of life, a beautiful place that has a magic of its own. 

I was both excited and looking forward to this journey, but at the same time the thought of spending 7 hours sitting in the same spot bothered me.

I had spent hours working, looking after my house and family but to sit idle was something new to me. So I ended up looking out of my window, knowing that soon I would be a prisoner of my own mind and thoughts.

It was the first time in years that I was travelling alone, carrying my own burden of thoughts and weight of the memories on my heart. Although it was nothing new for me, I had done this throughout my life, but looking out from the window made me realize and feel something I had never pondered over or felt before.

I felt lost staring at the railway tracks; I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and my mind overflowing with the flashes of memories from the past. For this track was a reflection of existence….of life.

A reality that perfectly mirrored struggle, determination, motivation, will power, choices, actions, failures and gains of my life.

I couldn’t help but wonder how every person’s life is like these tracks, we set out, start our journey that will go on even though there will come many stops, problems and distractions, but we will continue, while losing things or people we love or never knew on our way… moving ahead until we reach our final destination.

These thoughts were like a wave of realizations, hitting me one by one with the fear that I will drift away with them. I had lived a lifetime but never had I ever reflected on my journey of life. But now I had ample time.

So let me tell you how it started…

It is often said that life is not a bed of roses, but I would dare say that it was for me. You see I was a princess in my father’s castle (his heart) and the treasure of our palace (house).

My father belonged from a respectable and educated family, a man of principles and values. He was a Civil Court Judge, a carrier of justice and symbol of law. He was the king of our world who lived ahead of his time.

We lived in a home as big as a castle and my mother was the perfect queen that wore the pearls of elegance, grace and reverence. We were a happy family with 4 beautiful children (2 daughters & 2 sons).

Abbu jan was a polished man who stood strong on empowering children (especially his daughters) with skills, confidence and knowledge. He was our engine, always pushing us to harness our potentials.

I still remember, in those days education was considered to be the devil’s advocate. Not only our education was questioned being the daughters of a Judge, our schools/ educational institutes were often a point of criticism. But our brave king paid no heed to such negative disapprovals.

He not only gave us the opportunity to study rather made sure we studied in the best institutions. I was sent to study at Convent so that I received quality education, even though Abbu Jan was often accused of following the way of the infidels while being a Muslim Judge.

But what a man he was…. Of character, discipline, charisma and moderate thinking backed with logic and reasoning. He was our beacon of light, hope, optimism and power.

Unfortunately, we soon lost our engine that empowered us. My father/king passed away when I was in 6^th grade. His loss was irreparable and what shattered us completely was how he bid farewell to this world. 

 So it is how it is… I guess the good days don’t last forever. Just like this view from the train window that constantly changes … I realized life is a set of phases that changes as you move ahead.

I forced my eyes open, as I recollected the flashing memories of Abbu Jan’s funeral. It was so strange that I had unconsciously shut my eyes to my surroundings all this time.

I was in a transitory period even now, sitting here… travelling in this train but living in the past.

I tried to gather my thoughts and bring myself back to the present, letting out a sigh of relief knowing that 2 hours had already past. Just 5 more to go…

Now I finally turned to see and hear my surroundings. A woman sitting two seats apart passed a smile and asked me if I was okay. I replied in gratitude with a brittle smile (holding back tears) that I was doing well. 

It was strange how her smile and concern reminded me of my mother’s unconditional love and warmth. My mother was a strong woman who knew how to stand tall when her world fell apart.

You see losing Abbu Jan was difficult, but maintaining ourselves after him was simply arduous. Not only were we uncertain of our future and financial status, but we also had to uphold Abbu Jan’s reputation and legacy in the same society that disapproved of his liberal mindset.

However, we didn’t derail from the path of light and knowledge that our king had followed. All of us worked hard to achieve and fulfill our dreams and goals that would help us keep our father’s legacy alight. 

We all sacrificed once thing or another either to follow the dreams our father had dreamt or to hide that we had fallen way behind from the life we once led. My elder brother sacrificed his education so that his sister doesn’t have to be deprived of it.

I was young back then, merely a 12 year old child that could feel everything but fix nothing. But I tried my best … I learnt how to be strong enough to aim, reach out and grasp the dreams my father had dreamt for me.

Since Abbu Jan had always fought for the cause of education, I found it to be the best way to continue his legacy. I remember I sold the gold earrings my beloved Abbu Jan had gifted me so that I could submit the examination fees for the final papers of my Bachelors degree from Islamia University.

My family wore this perfect mask, to shield itself from this world. For the world, this society my mother was the widow of a Judge, who had to live and maintain the standard she once had. No one really knew nor did we ever let them know how hard time was on us.

My mother secretly started stitching clothes, and openly shared that it was our maid that had decided to do it for the sake of extra money. She did it in such a discreet manner that everyone thought what she told was true, until I found out one night.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night for water only to hear a clanking noise coming continuously from the back room. Out of curiosity, I tip-toed all the way and saw my mother stitching clothes. With teary eyes and a heavy heart I just went back to my room. I decided to keep it a secret the way my mother wanted it.

From that day onward, I had nothing but immense love and respect for my mother who was sacrificing her sleep every night for the sake of her children. I still feel so blessed and proud of what wonderful gems my parents were.

Time literally flew away and I graduated. Now if I look back, in those times when education seemed a distant dream for girls, I was fulfilling this dream all by myself. And I didn’t stop there; I pursued and got a Master’s degree in Economics. 

Yes, times were tough; we had less in monetary terms but more power and determination. And above all… we had one another to be each other’s strength. It was all because we had faith…a strong faith that Allah will keep the wheel of life spinning for us.

Ahhh……Another set of flashes had ended now… I stood up, stretched my legs and again looked at my watch. I had successfully spent another 2 hours in the world of my memories.

Part 2

The train continued its journey; like I was continuing mine. It was now afternoon and soon this day would end too. It seemed as if we were chasing the sun… I focused on how the shadows changed as the day grew older and cooler.

I too had such shadows in life, in which I sought shelter…

Just as I was about to drown in my memories, the woman sitting two seats apart jumped to my rescue. She smiled again and questioned “are you travelling alone? Is your husband with you?”

It was as if her questions speared right through my heart, not knowing what to answer I just stared at her.

After a few seconds, I gathered the courage and replied “I am travelling alone and soon will meet my husband” with a smile. She reciprocated it with a smile, a common language often used by humans when they don’t want to show their sorrow or misery to the world.

I turned my face and attention towards the window, seeking refuge in its view.  But then I heard her voice again…. She was talking to her husband probably, telling him all the details about the arrangements she had made for him back home.

Seeing her talking to her husband made me feel both happy and a little jealous (not from her but from the fact that she could communicate when I couldn’t). Humans have come so far, invented these modern gadgets/ technologies that can cover distances with short calls.

So I started wondering if I could communicate with my husband, the cool shadow that I sought shelter in…

"I was lost again… in the pool of memories, I was drowning… not because I couldn’t swim, but because I had lost my fins."

After completing my education, I had planned to find a job and thought of working in a bank. I gave many interviews but soon realized that I had the confidence and the qualification required for the job but I lacked the charm of artificial beauty and over confidence. 

I still remember how the girl sitting next to me crying that she wouldn’t pass the interview got the job. I had consoled her and assured her that she would get it… little did I know that she really would. Even if she was not as hard working or bright as me… she had a pretty face covered with subtle make up and a charm of talking freely. Whereas I had always preferred modesty and simplicity, like my Ammi jan.

I am sure she got the job not just because of her looks, but it still is how it is…. Our society prefers those who are pretty from the outside… the inside (heart/mind) is rarely seen.

I didn’t sit and wait for time to get better; I worked hard and found another job. Our family friend advised that I should pursue a career in teaching. So I did… I applied for a teaching position in a reputable school.

Now my life was taking new turns… it had been sixteen years since Abbu Jan’s demise… a few minutes that had changed our lives.

My mother now often thought of my marriage, while I was too occupied in my job and life just went on.

But soon I found a shadow to rest under. A mutual family friend told my future mother-in-law about me and did the same… he told my mother about a gem of a person saying it was a match made in heaven.

The normal customary meetings were held and I was soon engaged to a well educated, sober and handsome man.

Ahh what a wonderful time that was…

All these memories and thoughts made me really sad… I missed my friend, my companion, the other half of my soul and my heart.

My husband was a 18^th Grade officer in Lahore Development Authority (LDA), a man known for his honesty, honor and kind heart.  He had served and survived in LDA for more than 20 years but never had he done something that would become a disgrace to his family’s name.

My mind was overflowing with these memories running wild…. Creating sparks like the wheels of a train on brakes.

You must be wondering what happened… right?

The same… the good days don’t last forever!

Again it was a few minutes or a day that changed our lives, after Abbu Jan’s inexplicable death/murder, now I had to bear the pain and loss of my husband’s mysterious disappearance.

On 8^th October, 2007, my husband as per routine left home after kissing our second son goodbye, but never reached office. We searched for him… spent months praying, wishing and believing that he’ll return.

But it was as if he had vanished into thin air… for we couldn’t find him even if we reached out to the last sky or the furthest depths of the sea.

I had lost him… We had lost him!!!

I closed my eyes as if it would’ve changed the reality….  I felt strange, some phases of life or memories leave you lost in thoughts but what I was experiencing right now was broken. I looked at the time and let out a sigh of relief… for I knew I’d break free from the chains of the past in another hour (hopefully).

Now I was just staring at that woman’s phone in her hand… thinking how lucky she was to have the liberty to call her husband whenever she pleased… and it was just then that I was hit by a bright idea, the idea of communicating with my long lost companion.

So I smiled and thought of the best way that would help me communicate with my husband and also honor his life.

A letter….

I took out a paper and a pencil (things a teacher would always carry :)) and started penning down my heart.

 My beloved companion,

                       I hope you are in the best of your health and at a better place now. It seems like a lifetime has passed away since I’ve heard, seen or felt your presence around me. Ahh I have so much to say and tell ….

I have waited for you every single day, praying for you to be safe out there and wishing for your safe return. And it seems that is all I’ll get to do, but don’t worry I know this separation is only temporary.

I am sure you would have never left me or our kids at the mercy of this cruel world. For it was our fate… to be apart and to long for one another’s companionship in another world.

My love, do you remember that when we got engaged… you used to write letters to me? I never replied back then but look now I am writing this letter with all the hope in my heart that you will read it one day.

I have a thousand questions in my mind and a thousand answers to share. I often wonder where are you, how are you, how have you spent all these years without us and above all have you lost your way back to us?

I guess some questions remain unanswered, at least in this life.

Anyway, know that I have missed you every second of every day in the past thirteen years. I still wait for you to knock at the door every day.

Ahhh… alas my wishes will remain what they are.

You must have been worried about our children… don’t worry I have raised them well, been their mother and father.

I ensured that they continued their studies, even when they had to earn. All three have grown from young boys to wonderful gentlemen just like you.

They have been my backbone as well as caretakers since the day you left. The four of us learned to lift one another, yes we have had from bad days to the worst, yet your sons have held their heads high and forwarded your legacy with grace.

You know I have tried my best that our kids never felt that you left them with nothing, for I passed on the biggest treasure you possessed… the traits of hard work, honesty and the constant need to be on the right path.

Do you remember I once shared with you how I completed my bachelors? When we had no money to pay the electricity bill or to purchase books, I studied in candle light at night and shared torn pieces of books with my friends. Now I feel proud that my struggles back then are carried forward by my children. They too have excelled in attaining the best education we could afford. Fortunately they have all achieved more in life than people expected them to.

Life surely changed without you, your absence was one thing but to make ends meet was way more difficult. Many relatives turned their backs, but many strangers owned our troubles. Allah helped us though the troubled days; surely HE will reunite us too and that too soon.

You have missed a lot so here is what has happened in all these years. I continued teaching in the same school and finally retired in 2014. I have had health issues, which was bound to happen. But don’t stress over it, sugar and blood pressure didn’t get the best of me. I stood firm just like you always said I will. Now I have been battling my damaged kidneys, but still going strong for so much more is to be done. It is hard to be both a mother and a father at the same time, but I have tried and given my best. 

As for the children, I have taught them from cooking, washing, house chores to every other little thing that makes them realistic, practical and strong. They have had their own phases of depression while expressing your absence, grief and loss. But now they have overcome it and stand tall like you did in the face of life, struggles and problems.

And you know what now our eldest son is married to the girl you adored like your own daughter. I also stitched her mayoon’s dress myself, something you would’ve loved.  I am happy in his happiness and hope it stays this way.

Ahhh how I wish we had done all this together… fulfilled the dreams we once saw, grown old and reached our final destination… the end of our journey together.

For now, I have reached my destination so I bid you farewell my love, one that I never got a chance to do… goodbye my friend, my companion and the light of my life. I promise you that I will spend the rest of my days with hope, positivity, and happiness in whatever little we have as long as we have your memories and each other’s backs.                                                    

                                                            Until we meet again! 

Yours forever R.S                                                                                                                          

The train stopped just as I folded the letter. My eyes shed tears but my heart … my heart felt light and relieved. It was as if a heavy burden had suddenly been lifted.

I stepped out of the train, the fresh air and the slight breeze rejuvenated my broken soul and exhausted body. Moving ahead, I saw that woman again and passed her a final smile, bidding her farewell with nothing but good wishes.

As I left the station I realized I had left a part of me on that train, but I had also grown another part within me that now saw and comprehended life, blessings, destiny and all the happenings around me from a different lens.

You see we all will continue our journey, with highs and lows but all that matters is how far we'll go… with our deeds, actions, intentions and attitude towards life. People will always be there, sometimes to lift you and sometimes to push you, so just like this train; one must know how to move on ahead on his or her own track of life bearing difficulties and cherishing blessings. 

“For life is a journey that will come to an end, but the story of how you covered that journey.... will live forever.”

(Disclaimer: The pictures used in the story are not the author's property and are taken from google images)